Problem-Solving Steps

Although I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in session with my clients, these problem-solving steps may be helpful for couples having difficult conversations on their own.

Problem-Solving Steps

1.       State the problem

2.       The receiver repeats the problem

3.       Brainstorm solutions

4.       What could go wrong/problem-solve

5.       Thank each other

6.       Re-assess as needed

Explanations of each step

1.       The person who has the issue should make sure that it is a good time to discuss the problem. If you need time to calm down, take the time. State the problem in a positive “I” statement. Clarify what you feel under the anger and what you need from your partner.

2.       Receiver reflects the problem, asking clarifying questions when needed until the giver feels heard and understood.

3.       Discuss options for solving the problem until a workable solution is reached.

4.       Discuss what could go wrong with the implementation of the solution and resolve those issues, taking responsibility for what you can do to ensure successful implementation.

5.       Congratulate each other on effectively solving a problem, and working to create/recreate positive feelings. A simple and sincere compliment about what you love about your spouse can go a long way here.

6.       Schedule a time to re-assess the problem and evaluate the solution's effectiveness. Make adjustments to the solution when needed.

Rules

1.       Come to the conversation to build a bridge to connect.  Extensive research indicates that conversations that start negatively almost always end badly (Gottman, 1999).

2.       Be specific and clear when introducing an issue.

a.       Use “I” statements, i.e. I feel (rejected, sad, overwhelmed, alone, scared, etc.) when (describe the situation as if you were a fly on the wall—in a neutral, objective, non-critical way) because (state the effect it has on you) and I want/need (state the action you would like to see from your partner).

b.       Example: “I feel (lonely) when (I come home and don’t get acknowledged) because (it makes me feel unloved) and I want (to feel important to you). *Notice that the “you’s” are taken out of the statement. This takes practice but is worth the effort. Someone who is on the defensive is not going to be in a place to give you what you want—understanding, connection, and love.

c.       No negative “you” statements: You (always ignore me) when (I come home) because (you are completely insensitive to my feelings) and (it would be nice to know that you cared).

d.       If you have started a conversation and feel overwhelmed with many issues, STOP, write a list of issues, then start again, one at a time. Each issue is important and deserves undivided attention. Take turns choosing issues, if needed.

e.       If you allow the subject to be changed, you will continue “cycling” through many problems and will not get any resolved satisfactorily, and in the process, create more distance between you and your partner.

3.       No bringing up the past.

a.       It is fine to discuss a past occurrence, but it should be the subject of the conversation, and not be used as “ammo” in an argument.

b.       This goes along with changing the subject: “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes aren’t cleaned as scheduled because I don’t have time to do it and I need to feel I can trust that the dishes will be done regularly.”

c.       Changing the subject: “Well, you didn’t get the oil changed last week, and I had to do it myself!” This leaves the first person feeling unheard and unimportant, and the whole problem unsolved. Finish the dishes conversation by responding to your partner’s needs and feelings. In a separate conversation, bring up the subject of changing the oil.

4.       Take a break when feeling “flooded” or angry.

a.       We cannot think clearly when we are angry—the creative, problem-solving, empathetic part of our brain shuts down.

b.       Schedule a time to come back to the problem.

c.       Keep the appointment if at all possible. If you cannot make it, reschedule with your partner.

5.       Avoid “umbrella” statements (words like always and never).

6.       Avoid mind-reading (assuming you know what the other person thinks or feels). Cultivate an attitude of genuine curiosity for your partner’s feelings and perspective.

7.       No name-calling

8.       No yelling

9.       Take turns talking

10.   No stonewalling/silent treatments

11.   No sarcasm

12.   Finally, if you find yourself or your partner messing up on a rule, calmly point it out and use “instant forgiveness.” Assume the best: that you are both doing your best.